Baby fever and putting it off...

I have baby fever. It’s unfortunate that right now we can’t have another, so I’m going to lament and have myself a pity party.

As some may know, in January I decided to apply to nursing school with a local two-year R.N. program. Nursing had been in the back of my mind as an eventual pathway to midwifery, but I hadn’t truly considered it for awhile. The decision to apply was very much spur-of-the-moment, and to be honest I can’t remember all the reasons my husband and I considered when we made the decision I should apply. A primary concern of course was financial stability: we’ve struggled our entire married life, and I was not going to reenter full-time public school teaching unless I had to. (We did consider it, and I’m thankful my husband said he’d rather we struggle a way longer than put me through that). My husband is also going for nursing, though he’s not starting the program this fall with me. We felt that since I have a bachelor’s degree, I would get through the nursing program faster than he would. Then I’d be able to do a three day a week/full-time thing while he finished up the program himself. Three days a week would give me enough time home that I would still feel like a full-time mommy, at least as much as I am now working part-time and going to school part-time.

Of course, going to school full-time and then trying to find a job is really difficult pregnant and/or with a new baby. Not impossible, but…

I’ve considered the fact that I could probably take time off from the nursing program. Legally, I’m allowed a semester off (R.N. programs have some special requirements due to accreditation), though I’ve been told by the program director that I’m not allowed any time off. I could fight him on it, but I wonder if it’s worth it. I don’t want any difficulties going through, and I want to be finished and move on with my life. I also get his perspective; they’ve had a lot of concerns about the program’s accreditation with people not passing/dropping out. Rumor has it that of the latest class in the hospital partnership, only about half are making it to next semester. That’s got to be nerve-wracking as a program director to be staring accreditation worries in the face.

Also, I think about what I’m going to be looking at with my next birth. We want a large family, and I’ve already had one cesarean. I don’t want to have another and I’m really considering my options to ensure a VBAC this time. Out-of-hospital birth certainly seems to be the best option, but is it an option for me with my medical history? If I’m risked out of midwifery services, do I “free-birth?” (probably not, but it’s been on the table). How do I manage a hospital VBAC fight while struggling with clinicals? (and a family?)

Apart from the next birth, what about the next postpartum: I want to do everything I can to have a healthy postpartum transition this time around. Fewer stressors would equal reduced risk for me developing postpartum depression again. I was switching from working full-time to mothering full-time at the last birth, so being settled and having less life change is ideal.

Having a great start breastfeeding is also key in my mind: not being able to get out to find the help we needed was a huge factor in our failure to continue breastfeeding. Little man needed specialized care, and that simply did not get met. I would like to not battle with returning to school and pumping; arguing to pump at work seems to be a much easier battle.

So yeah, we’ve decided to avoid for the time being. Neither of us is very happy about it. We both have baby fever to the extreme, and the little man is not very little anymore. He’s talking now, and it’s really obvious that he’s a BOY rather than a little baby. It’s hard also when I consider that by the time I’m done with school, he’ll be almost FOUR. We had hoped to get them close together, so it’s a bit of a blow for us. Of course, we know that conception is not controlled by us, so I guess we’ll see if anything else comes up.

Until then, I’m burying myself in my birth studies, focusing on being the best nursing student, mothering my little man, and being a wife to my fabulous husband. These next two years (or so) better fly by.