Co-sleeping, a failed account? Part Two

Our night-time sleeping was very different from our naps. While he would refuse to nap longer than twenty minutes in a place other than mommy’s arms, he refused to sleep there at night.

Well, let me back up…

Like I said before, at about a month old he started having trouble sleeping at night. Cutting dairy really helped, but the biggest fix at that point was to co-sleep. We have a king-size bed (best investment ever), so instead of him sleeping in the Arm’s Reach, I just had him snuggle. Most of the time, I slept on my right side, with little man snuggling there between me and the co-sleeper. Sometimes, he slept between my husband and me, but with my husband’s sleep apnea, I was more comfortable with the other set-up.

While little man co-slept with us, I was amazed at how our sleeping patterns worked together. Even just having him in the room accomplished this. Babies have shorter sleep/wake cycles than adults, allowing them to wake, eat, and keep getting the calories necessary for growth. Short sleep/wake cycles may also have a protective effect in regards to oxygen levels and adjusting to life outside the womb.

The difference in sleep/wake cycles is what makes parents so tired with new babies, but here mothers have an advantage. Having baby in the room allows these sleep cycles to be synced: beneficial for both mama and baby. Some research suggests this may be protective against SIDS. And for the mother, the added benefit is waking more easily rather than from a deep sleep.

For us, here’s how it worked. Little man would feed and drift off to sleep snuggled in my arms. I’d drift off around the same time. A couple hours later, I would wake. My deep sleep cycle was shorter in response to his, so most of the time I felt pretty good. I would look down at little man, who was still asleep but begging to root around and stir. This gave me time to get ready for feeding. He would then feed and re-settle, much of the time never fully awakening. I would then drift back off as well. This synchronization may be part of the reason breastfeeding mothers get more sleep than formula feeding mothers.We had this great set-up until little man was about three and a half months old. He started by feeding. Then he would arch his back and squirm. He would touch and explore my face. He’d coo and squeal, discovering his own voice. As cute as it was, he was starting to go from tired at the beginning of the night feed to wound up by the end. Eventually he would drift off, but he was fussing more during the drift off period. Sometimes we would have to give up for a bit and try again later, as late as 11pm.

One night, probably a week or so after this change, I cleared out the Arm’s Reach. After he fed, I scooted him over into it. At first he fussed, but after a few nights, it was getting better. If the fussing seemed to be “sleepy-time fuss,” I let him be. If it was “I need mommy, I’m scared!” fusses, I’d pull him back over and snuggle. For awhile our sleep routine came to be starting out in bed, then the Arm’s Reach for part of the night, back in bed for the rest. I tried my best to read his cues and let him sleep where he seemed to settle the easiest. After a few weeks I noticed he was spending less and less time snuggling with me in bed and more and more time sleeping contentedly by himself in the Arm’s Reach. Along the way he had realized he was definitely falling asleep snuggled with a warm mommy, but he could coo and be cute and “fight it” a little longer by himself.

Knowing the independent part of his personality, this all doesn’t surprise me too much now how easily he self-weaned from co-sleeping. At the time I was surprised and even a little embarrassed. Co-sleeping was an important part of my nurturing parenting philosophy, and I felt I must not have done it right for him to have weaned so early.

But for us, this was exactly right. He was ready and let me know in his own way. Around six months he settled into sleeping in the crib at night since he was able to crawl out of the co-sleeper. I attribute his good sleeping habits now to the security he had sleeping then. Falling asleep at a young wasn’t scary; he wasn’t hungry, cold, or wet; and he knew mommy would be right there if needed.

Recently, we got to co-sleep again. We went to the Columbus Zoo, and little man was having trouble sleeping in the hotel room. My husband suggested we have him in bed with us, so we decided to try. He took his sippy, coo’d, explored my face, and drifted off with me sleeping on my right side again. It was uncomfortable, as a sleeping toddler is much more mobile than a sleeping two month old. But it was beautiful and I loved it. I miss our nightly snuggles, but I’m glad I listened to what he was ready for.

Co-sleeping, a failed account?

 I was so fortunate that prior to pregnancy I had learned about many safe sleeping practices, one of which was co-sleeping. In the end, we just decided we would “go with the flow,” and that crying out wasn’t an option.

I highly recommend that approach.

However, I really expected our co-sleeping story to be different than how it actually played out. I’ll go through our story and talk a little about why I think it worked for us.

Around the time my son was born, we were staying with our pastor and his wife (fun stuff like our new home not being ready on time necessitated that). At the same time, my husband’s mother and grandmother were in from Mexico.

It was a hard way to start out with a new baby. I was in an unfamiliar environment, with a slight pressure to perform. (Side note: I love my husband’s family, and the pressure didn’t come from them but from my own self-consciousness). My husband and I were sleeping is separate twin beds so I could recover from surgery and little man slept in a Pack N Play at my feet.

Not my ideal set-up to be sure, but necessary at the time.

Little man was swaddled for the first week, but after that we simply had light blankets covering him. We stopped swaddling because he started to hate it, probably as his startle reflex was calming down. He slept at naps and at night, which was unexpected.

By the end of his birth month, we had moved home. My husband’s family was still to be with us a few more days as we settled in. We put up our Arm’s Reach Co-sleeper with our King-sized bed.

Elias was still doing fine with our set-up of alone naps and nights until right before my husband’s family. He was starting to be more restless at night a bit irritable during the day. Where he had previously been a greater napper, sleeping three hours at a time, he was now cat-napping twenty minute sessions.

Finally, one night he literally refused to sleep. At 2am we had him in the car, trying to lull him done. He gave in but was up as soon as we were in the house. That night we pulled the swing into our room and let the rocking work its magic.

The next day I starting cutting dairy from my diet. I also held him for naps. He would nap without me holding him, but he napped much longer in my arms. At night, I started cuddling with him in our king size, using the Arm’s Reach as a table.

Later, I discovered Elizabeth Pantley’s No Cry Sleep Solution. I had heard of it, but at this point I finally bought it. I was desperate for something to help him sleep without me, but refused to try “crying it out.” We had seen a crying fit from him on the six hour drive from Washington D.C., and the pain and terror he was in was not going to “work.”

Pantley simply confirmed to me that all was actually ok with our sleeping situation. When he cat-napped, he wasn’t getting adequate sleep, making night times more difficult. I charted his sleeping habits and made my decision.

We’d keep going with the flow.

I started keeping track of his eating and naps (I kept a note pad on the armrest of the recliner) and continued to hold him for every nap, for the entire nap, until he was five and half months.

People thought I was crazy. I got nothing done during his naps.

Around five and a half months, we started trying the crib for naps only. I would rock him while he ate and then laid him down when he was fully asleep. At that point, being fully asleep was key; generally about ten minutes after he appeared to be “asleep,” he was ready to go down.

It worked. Within a few days, he was comfortable sleeping in the crib for naps. Night time was another story…

Traumatic Birth – or why some women may prefer cesarean birth

Lately, I’ve found myself wondering why some women feel cesarean birth is better than vaginal birth. It’s been something I questioned before I was pregnant and was particularly confusing when I was confronted with my own cesarean.

For me, I always wanted a natural, med-free, intervention-free birth. It was devastating for me to be confronted with a cesarean. The recovery was particularly difficult, and the couple of times I “overdid it” really were painful and debilitating.

I’m looking at future pregnancies with fear, as complications during pregnancy are more common after cesarean – placental issues, tubal pregnancies, secondary infertility. The VBAC fight was never one I wanted to be faced with, but here I am.

So how could someone be not just satisfied, but even pleased, with this? I’m slowly beginning to understand.

Recently, I read an article about post traumatic stress disorder following birth; it’s on the rise. As a medical system, we need to acknowledge that in an age where 1 in 10 women suffer from postpartum depression, much less PTSD, that it is apparently not about “just a healthy baby.”

Women need to have the opportunity to mourn the births they have lost. The ideal birth, whatever it is for that particular woman, needs to be acknowledged, and if at all possible, pursued. For me – I lost my first birth to major abdominal surgery. For some, it’s losing the ideal of pain management when a planned epidural doesn’t work, or just being able to go into labor before the pressure of induction begins.

Many women see the cesarean as what saved them – whether it did or not. Maybe it saved them from another traumatic induction lasting 48 hours or more. Maybe it was a way of attempting to control the unknown. Maybe the recovery temporarily saved them from additional childcare and household responsibilities.

As a birth professional, I’ll be honest that I’m a little biased about the solution. But fortunately there are studies and guidelines to back me up. (I’ll list them at the end.)

Childbirth education should be expanded, encouraged, and absolutely available to all. It needs to involved couples working through both their fears and expectations. It must involve current research about normal labor processes and when interventions are medically necessary as opposed to simply routine. It should provide an opportunity for couples to build relationships with others in the childbearing year, expanding their network of support.

Doula care needs to be covered by Medicaid and private insurance. Having a labor doula can decrease the need for cesarean by up to 50%. Postpartum doulas can fill the role once done by the extended family – helping the new family adjust with each child added to the family.

Midwifery care should be more widely available, particularly in rural areas where OB presence is minimal. Low-risk women should be seen first by midwives and referred to OBs as necessary.

Women with negative birth experience should report these to their care providers with the intent that questions are answered and care is altered. It wasn’t too long ago that women and families decided it was unacceptable for fathers to be in the waiting room during the birth of their own children, or that women shouldn’t be forced to undergo “Twilight Sleep” and not be mentally and emotionally present at their own birthing.

It should be no different now that we refuse to accept the parts of the system that make us uncomfortable and that are not supported by rigorous research. What we’re comfortable with may be different woman to woman – med-free, highly managed, etc – but it’s time for individualized care again.

No woman should have to feel that major abdominal surgery was an easier and more acceptable solution that the birth route her body was made and designed for.


Studies and Resources:
Expecting Trouble – written by an obstetrician who feels 80-90% of women should have midwifery prenatal care and at least 70-80% should deliver with a midwife.

The Doula Book – numerous studies about the benefits of a doula – from childbirth satisfaction to birth outcomes.

Healthy People 2020 Guidelines - reduce cesareans, among many others

Post Traumatic Stress Disorder After Childbirth - particularly look at Ten Questions to Ask

Traumatic Birth News Article

Servant Heart

Everyone questions their ability from time to time. I’ve been doing it a bit more often since last weekend’s Homebirth Meetup.

It’s easy to be intimidated. Many of these women are much more experience in birthing and breastfeeding than I am. Even the ones who may just be getting started at least have personal experience to lean on.

Now, I’m confident in my skills. I’m confident of my learn-while-doing abilities. I’ve been fortunate to acquire plenty of book knowledge and am just waiting to try it out.
 

But I have other experience that others don’t have. I’ve spent my life in the servant role.
 

My younger brother has severe autism and mental impairment. He now has 24-7 in-home care, but there were definitely some long hours when he and I lived at home. You do what you have to do so his needs are taken care of.
 

I’m a mother. We could, of course, leave it at that. When I think of the mother role, I often think back to a scene that happened a few months ago. We were at our friends’ home, having dinner, when an unexpected guest showed up. “I’m starved! I haven’t eaten all day!” And he sat down to devour some dinner with us. I turned to my husband and whispered, “what so special about that? I can’t tell you how many days I’ve had to do that with our son. It happens.”
 

But, of course, guys don’t deal with that kind of sacrifice as often or as naturally as women seem to do.
 

Women deal with those kinds of things all the time, whether we’re mothers or not. We’re the ones pitching in to take care of siblings, watching church nursery, working extra so our partners can go back to school, putting off our own dreams for whoever else needs them.
 

Those of us who find that this lifestyle comes easily often find ourselves in servant roles – teachers, nurses, caregivers, stay-at-home moms. I spent years, before becoming a stay-at-home mom, teaching middle and high-school students the finer points of English language and literature.
 

And I can’t discount those experiences. In many ways, they are just as valuable as personal birth experience.
I already know how to serve. I know to provide as much comfort as possible. I know I can’t take it personally when the person I’m serving rejects something I try – I just try something else. I can keep my cool through hours of crying. I’ve had students throw-up in front of me (while I was pregnant no less). I’ve changed countless adult diapers. I can put off my own bodily functions for an amazing amount of time. I know my limits, when I need take a well-timed bathroom break to breath, regroup, and keep going.
 

I can do this…