I've been thinking about my scar more often in the past few weeks - I guess it's part of the healing process. So, this weekend when I came across this post on Facebook from ICAN - "Today's CAM task: For those of you who have had a cesarean, find a quiet spot today, and touch your scar. Spend a few minutes with it. If your scar could speak, what would it say? Be gentle with yourself" - I decided it was time to put those thoughts into words here. Pictures do follow at the end, so be aware that they are not graphic, but raw and personal.
My scar is hideous. There are days I hate it. It's disfiguring and I will never be rid of it.
I was totally unprepared for the pain and numbness - both emotional and physical. No one ever told me I would lose feeling from my belly button to my pubic hair line. I didn't know that through the pervading numbness, my scar would sometimes be painful, even tingle.
I didn't know that some days I would hate my cesarean so much I could cry, while other days I'd acknowledge that under those circumstances, I'd probably do it all over again.
I can't handle the way my skin hangs in relation to the scar. My scar itself is tight, but all the numb skin and tissue is loose. It's embarrassing that my stomach hangs lower on the right side than on the left. I'm disheartened when I think that diet and exercise seem to do little good when the numbness seems to affect the ability to tone and tighten.
The scar itself seems to testify the disregard the surgeon must have had in repair. The right side of the scar is fading like a stretch mark; it's thin and light. The left side is raised and angry, and it extends out farther to my hipbone than the right side does. Sometimes my underwear seems to catch on my scar; sometimes I nick it shaving.
And yet...
I know the fire and passion I had for birthing and women's health rights before my surgery - it's shameful in comparison now.
Surgical birth, recovery, emotional healing - they have given me the experience and empathy I never could have hoped to have had before. I'm ashamed that this is what it took, but grateful to be here in these convictions.
Please go to: http://sites.google.com/site/healthymamachildbirth and click on the ICAN chapter link for more information about a support group coming soon.
My scars & tummy look much like yours. Only 4 years out from my last c-section, it's very very faded, and not at all raised any longer. But the soft, hangy skin above it is much similar. Much of the feeling has come back, though there are still small numb spots.
ReplyDeleteMy scars are my birth reminders, I've come to appreciate them as symbols I can easily see of my precious babies' births.
I treasure that my children can see & touch my scars & see where they exited my womb. It's taken many years to get to this point, but I feel at peace with my sections. (okay, I do wish my tummy were tighter, but then, I'm not working that hard at it either)
I wish you peace & continued healing, mama. Thank you for sharing your story & photos. ((hugs))
Thanks for the feedback. It's good to hear that I have a chance at it getting better - both physically and emotionally better.
ReplyDeleteI'm still working at coming to terms with my cesarean, which was right for me at the time, but I think I'll just have to keep working for years before (if!) I ever do come to terms with it.
Thanks :)
There were times when it felt like one step forward, two steps back for me in terms of emotional healing. Forgiving myself and releasing guilt (the "what if's" and "if only I'd done x,y,z...") was the most important key to healing that I found. I found comfort in reading Birthing from Within in preparation for my VBAC (which actually was a 2nd c-section - not for lack of wanting/trying/planning). ((hugs))
ReplyDeleteMany hugs to you as well. I hope that on down the line I have the courage and peace to view myself the same way and learn to let go. :)
ReplyDeleteOh Amber I'm so sorry! I also struggled with the feelings from my first c-section. My second c-section healed me completely though from that first nightmare. There ARE good c-section experiences, and for me knowing that this was medically necessary the first and second time really helped.
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry about your scar. I have to say mine doesn't look so great either, although the doctor did a perfect job of it the second time. *hugs*
Melody